Isolation

At present, I am sitting in the Bluestem Bistro, and to be quite honest, I'm having some serious difficulty putting the way I feel into words. I've been staring at this blank page for going on ten minutes, and now that something has finally appeared here, I'm disappointed to find that it is mere filler, fat, blubber, only confirming my inability to form a cohesive thought and put it on the page. I know, I know...feeling unable to express one's self is not uncommon by any means, but nevertheless, there it is, taunting me.

I guess if I had to give what I'm feeling a name, I'd call it isolation. Loneliness. Isn't it so bizarre how it creeps up on you? For the couple weeks after I moved out of my ex-boyfriend's place, I was feeling mighty fine. My life was busy and full, packed with jobs and kids and dogs and friends and hardly any downtime, hardly any time to allow myself to feel something about my situation, hardly any time to relax, to think.

I had no idea, though, that during this entire period of blissful avoidance, those inevitable feelings were creeping up on me, always lurking somewhere just out of sight. And then when they suddenly hit me like a wave one day, I was forced to acknowledge the wide, gaping hole that was left, that gaping hole that only appears when someone you've spent so much time with abruptly drops out of your life. Yes, I finally noticed that ugly emptiness, and now that I've noticed it, there's no simple remedy for making it go away.

Suddenly, I find myself clinging to the other significant people in my life, craving a kind word or a warm pat on the back, an exciting conversation or a spontaneous excursion that will keep my mind from straying to that wretched black hole that has now attached itself to my hip. Yet, in my desire to be close to others, I realize just how far from them I have gotten. And, at last, with this latest thought, my feelings, which I have been trying to get hold of all morning, have finally presented themselves in a clear manner.

The reason I am even writing this entry at all is because I received an email from my dad this morning. It was funny and poignant and made me feel loved. Perhaps I was really needing something like that. Regardless, the email all at once exemplified for me that, living out here in Kansas, I have isolated myself from my family, and from my parents especially. I have not let them into my life, and I've used the physical distance as a way to further separate myself from them, as an excuse for not sharing my thoughts and feelings.

In fact, I think I've isolated myself from a lot of friends and family over the past few years in this way. Perhaps I had forgotten the importance of staying in touch with them, of making an effort to be close, despite the physical distance between us. And I suppose it's at times like these, when your life changes and you find yourself suddenly needing those people, that this truth becomes apparent.

So now I have something to admit, people. I feel as though I should end this post with some sort of moral to the story, some further explanation of a lesson learned, but quite frankly, I have exhausted myself of being thoughtful and reflective. It took me so long to finally get something on the page, to extricate my thoughts from the rifts of my mind, and now the process of further analyzing what I've written sounds tedious and perhaps even a little redundant. The reason for the post, the lesson, if you will, is obvious.

Therefore, as I am bored with being heartfelt, I'm going to end with the dumbest elementary school joke that I can possibly find on the internet...

...searching....

...searching....

...searching...

...searching...

Okay, okay, okay, here we go, people. What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? Well, I'll tell you. A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.

Heh. I like it. Maybe not the dumbest, but it's up there.


P.S. HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BIG SISTER, COLBY!!